Yeah, I’m back (I’m back singing the same song)

It’s back to coding again this semester. I’m taking a scientific computing class — aka MATLAB. So this means I’m coding again. Which (possibly) means late nights, debugging, semicolons, and the intricacies of sheets of papers littered before cups of tea filled with little scribbles of nonsensical scratches, which when put together, make (numerous beautiful) lines of writing. I wish I did this more. More importantly, I wish it came easier. They tell me that the struggle is important, and that beauty cannot come from something so easily derived. I don’t know, though…Sometimes I just want to lay me down…and pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If you didn’t notice, the title is from “Your Love Never Changes,” by the ridiculous Mr. (w)Right. Paul (w)Right, that is. Youtube it. It’s that good.

Maranatha

I went to a friend’s Korean Seventh Day Adventist Church on Saturday. It was amazing. I’ll have to write more when I have the time or when I am not so sick. They say smells and taste, followed by sights and sounds leave the most tangible memories. So in five associations or less, here’s a summary of my time there: cold, “happy sabbath,” spicy tofu, maranatha, and sleep.

Genius Recapitulated

The musical genius that is Anberlin (see Cadence, Glass to the Arson, or basically *any* song on their Blueprints for the Black Market or Never Take Friendship Personal albums) came out with a new album recently. By Jove, they’ve done it again. I absolutely love this song. Check it out on youtube. It makes me want to go backpacking in Spain while rediscovering God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5SBYhZyo1s

Artist:Anberlin

Album:Cities

Year:2007

You’re motive and stable
You’re like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices but it’s the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed
Just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed
You’ll seem to ignore the prayers that have already gone above

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don’t drop your arms
Don’t drop your arms, I’ve got your heart
With quiet words I’ll lead you in

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

Backing away from the problem of pain
You never had a home
You’ve been misguided, you’re hiding in shadows for so very long
Don’t you believe that you’ve been deceived
That you’re no better than
The hair in your eyes will never disguise
What you’re really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don’t drop your arms
Don’t drop your arms, I’ve got your heart
With quiet words I’ll lead you in
This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don’t drop your arms
Don’t drop your arms, I’ve got your heart
With quiet words I’ll lead you in

You’re so brilliant, don’t soon forget
You’re so brilliant, graze much your heart
You’re so brilliant, don’t soon forget
You’re so brilliant, graze much your heart
You’re so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don’t soon forget (Between salvation and love, don’t drop your arms)
You’re so brilliant (I’ve got your heart)
Graze much your heart (With quiet words I’ll lead you in and out of the dark)

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la (Don’t drop your arms)
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
This is the correlation of salvation and love
(La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
Don’t drop your arms
Don’t drop your arms, I’ve got your heart
(La lalalala, la la la)
With quiet words I’ll lead you in
(La lala, la)
This is the correlation of salvation and love
(La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
Don’t drop your arms
Don’t drop your arms, I’ve got your heart
(La lalalala, la la la)
With quiet words I’ll lead you in
(La lala, la)

It reminds me of this youth conference I went to. It was a day conference, really, and members of my youth group were invited to come. I remember that I knew only one person there, a cute basketball player at my school. The youth pastor at the guest church (the church hosting the conference) asked us if we wanted prayer. As we came forward, he started speaking to the basketball player, and the words he spoke made me shiver. If I could crystallize the imagery, and distill it for you, I would. But essentially, he told him that he was a leader of youth, and that people naturally looked up to him. When he said that, I just saw in my mind the basketball player in front of thousands of kids just encouraging them and asking them to believe in and work joyously towards their futures. This song does that for me, insofar as it is also a cautionary tale. The lines below are me sometimes.

So self-absorbed
You’ll seem to ignore the prayers that have already gone above.

If you read this, please pray for the basketball player. I think he moved away, but I remember him still.

Borrowed Words: A Short Story

I’m sitting here in my plush chair, blinds drawn, the pale evening light struggling home in hopes of a better and longer tomorrow. I doubt tomorrow will be any different: the cold winter day seems monotonous at best, sickly and apathetic with no hope of spring. The radiators are hissing and spitting, their scalding heat a sharp contrast to the calm, penetrating cold of the outside gloom. It’s been a long day. It’s been a long year, in fact, and it’s only February.

I’ve moved to the floor, lying on my blanket in the middle of the wide expanse of my room. It hurt too much to hold my body frame up in the chair. It makes it a little easier to breathe now, with my face pressed against the down comforter, trying to drag shallow breaths into my lungs through my mouth. I just came back from the swim meet. I won my race, just barely. I went up against Grace again. Ever since I can remember, we’ve tried to beat each other in everything. In the water, in school, in relationships, in life. Today, I did just a little bit better. Her 1:03.74 to my 1:03.68. I don’t know what happened today. I should have lost that race. I was so distracted. I kept thinking about everything that has been happening so far in school. And what I’m going to do for the summer. I need to start deciding what to do with my life, or so everyone tells me. I swat away their concerns, silencing the angry buzzing in my ears. I’ll motivate myself when I’m good and ready. I just need a little time.

That’s what I was thinking today when I went up for my dive. I walked confidently out on the board, took a deep breath, and took the lunge step. I waited a bit too long on the return, though, and my right leg scraped the edge, which threw me off. It could have ended really badly, but I managed to catch myself in the air, over-rotating to compensate for my stupidity, and ended up hitting the water hard. it dazed me a little. As I went in, I thought, I’m quite tired today, I just need a little time. The next thing I know, Coach is digging me out the water, pounding on my chest. I’ve never seen him so mad at me before. Speak softly, I remember whispering to him. He told me to take some time off to think about what the hell I wanted from the team, from him, and from life.

I know Coach, I’m asking myself the same question. As I’m lying here, I have to think carefully. Everything hurts. No matter how often I deaden myself to my surroundings, I hate these moments when I awaken suddenly to them again. It’s almost a harsher reality than the moment when I encountered the same environment for the first time. I have to think carefully about who I am and where I’m going. I’ll have to find better words to make them listen to me, to make myself heard. In the meantime, I need to warm these weary muscles, these cold bones.

It’s been a long day, and I’m going to bed.

Again…in addition to “A short excerpt…”

So I’ve “unpacked.” Again. I suppose the healing process has begun. I’m not sure if “healing” is what you call it. I think I understand why people have a problem forgiving others. For me, it’s like, wow, I just don’t understand why you can’t do such a simple courtesy and/or something that is just common sense. It’s just so baffling to me. Every time I think about the 4 hours of my life that have been wasted, it picks the wounds again and I get mad all over again. I think I’ve clearly delineated what I feel. I’ll try not to dwell on this, but it’s pretty obvious that I have a problem talking to this person. I doubt I’ll speak to her enjoyably ever again, which is not to say that we’ve ever passed that very awkward (very annoying) politeness stage that’s still going on even though I’ve known her for 3 years. And I’m pretty sure I currently have zero respect for her and have a hard time trusting anything she says now. It’s over. Done. Fini. Acabamos con esto. But to give this any more space would be giving power to the devil.

I have a small journal that I opened today. I got it from the Center of Wellness and Communication. Yay for well-oiled well-being organizations. The first entry was titled “Just thoughts.” Here’s what I wrote:

I want to write a long story entitled “A short excerpt from ‘The Superficiality of Time.’” <<He he. Sounds crazy. I know. Or pompous. I know. You’re probably thinking…what the hell would it be about…I know. >>

I continue:

“This pen smells like rubber and now I have a headache.” — “Wow” (a classic AcDec quote).

I also want to write a short story that has <<”Borrowed Words”>>, with all the quotes from AcDec and physics. Maybe not compsci quotes. That would be OD. “If you could stop physics for one moment, I can change the way that you look at the world.”

Hmm…And then I wrote:

“Why am I still have feelings for him? I never thought I’d be that person, you know, to like someone who was already with someone else. Ah me. Come back so that I can forget you, you big idiot. I miss your warm and utterly amazing smile. “

And that was the end of that entry. I know. Don’t judge me. It’s over now…

The Band, Christian Alternative, and other stories

So today, I swiped into the engineering room that we “lovingly” call the penthouse, which essentially is a room full of computers, printers, epoxy, wire cutters, and books on presentation, and proceeded to print some science articles for a project. In walks this other engineering student. We’d been in a few classes together. He also wanted to use a computer. We’d been working for a few mins and he said, Man, we need some music. I proceeded to show him a few artists that I really like. He listened to a couple of songs and really liked them. He then asked me if I listened to a radio station and then I told him about air1.com, the radio station I listen to. He then took me to last.fm, which apparently is this cool interface. We just started talking about music from there. Apparently, there is this group called ‘The Band’ — google them if you don’t already know. They are being hailed as the most American band out there in mainstream circles, apparently. Too bad they’re Canadian…

I have to journal this mess before I go crazy

My roommate emailed everyone in our room at like 3am on Friday, saying that she doesn’t like the current room arrangement. I won’t represent the email here, as that would be a total invasion of privacy, but to me, it was a jumbled reiteration of what we’d already discussed, arrangements that we spent close to 3 hours of a perfectly good summer evening talking about, arrangements that I was pretty sure were set and finalized. Oooooookkkkkkkkkkk. In my mind, I’m thinking, what the heck is going on??? And why does this have to go down at 3am Saturday morning? I didn’t respond to the email, as neither did anyone else. Today, we call a meeting, and it turns out that she really doesn’t like living in the common room. It’s really inconvenient, and based on past history, she tells us, a huge sacrifice that she shouldn’t be asked to undertake. I think what made me mad — and I totally saw this coming — was the fact that when I postponed both my research and dinner to participate in the (very awkward) aforementioned 3-hour-meeting-in-the-summer, I clearly remember asking her if she wanted the really small single and I take the less private common room, and she sort of vehemently said that she would take the common room. I also clearly remember the very awkward silence that ensued as the other girls tried to determine what the hell was going on. Fine. Whatever. Gah! What freaking irks me is that it’s already two weeks into the year, I literally just got my last box unpacked, I worked so hard to make sure that this current room arrangement fit all my crap, and surprise! — we wasted yet another hour of my life hemming and hawing when we might as well just come out and tell it like it is. Why in all that is good and sensible are we so annoyingly polite??? Of course, everyone agrees with her — oh yes, it’s such a sacrifice that you took the common room last year, and you were in a double sophomore year. Umm, does no one recall the very awkward month when literally EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING., this girl walked into the room on me when I had just taken a shower. It’s like, Do I have to put a taser on this freaking door handle such that you do not walk in on people when they are naked? It’s like, yo, listen, please knock. I come from a society that recognizes and appreciates the simple and well-defined courtesy of a CLOSED DOOR. Lord Jesus, you’re really going to have to help me here. I don’t remember when I’ve been this angry in a while, and I don’t want to do something I end up regretting.
Bottom line? I’m moving out. AGAIN. Before Wednesday. Did I mention I have a test coming up?

At least I have a room to complain about, right? And I have roommates to complain about, right? And I have crap to complain about, right? And deadlines, and a life, and a computer with which to write this little rant of mine.

I’ll try to be happier when next I write. Oh look, I’m happier already (I am…I am…I’m captivated by you (you know that you do))…..I love this song.

Goodness, such is life.

Dear Diary, or “Captivated (By You)”

I’m currently listening to Shawn McDonald’s ‘Captivated’ — it’s awesome: check it out by going to www.myspace.com/shawnmcdonald… Here are the lyrics:

When I look into the mountains I see Your face
When I look into the night sky it sparkles Your Name

The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
That’s what draws me to You

Chorus:
I am
I’m captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am
I’m captivated

When I wake unto the morning it gives me your sights
When I look across the ocean it echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me
That’s what draws me to You

Chorus x2

The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me

The blood in my veins and my heart You invade
The plants how they grow and the trees and the shade
The way that I feel and the Love in my soul
I thank you my God for letting me know

Chorus x2

I am… (synthesized)

This totally sets the mood for what I feel right now. I wanted to write because today is Dear Diary day. Yay for alliterations. But I just felt so good. It’s the middle of the night, or the morning. I just woke up from a six-hour nap (accidental, for sure), and it’s very surreal here. I’m thinking about life after college. It’s a very scary thought, but I’ll be happy to let it go. I have a few regrets about college, but now’s not the time…

“I am…I am…captivated….(you know that you do!)”

Here’s another that I’m in love with at the moment — it’s definitely less spiritual, but great tune, and funny scenario:

Ghost of Corporate Future  – Regina Spektor

A man walks out of his apartment,
It is raining, he’s got no umbrella
He starts running beneath the awnings,
Trying to save his suit,
Trying to save his suit.
Trying to dry, and to dry, and to dry but no good

When he gets to the crowded subway platform,
He takes off both of his shoes
He steps right into somebody’s fat loogie
And everyone who sees him says, “Ew.”
Everyone who sees him says, “Ew.”

But he doesn’t care,
‘Cause last night he got a visit from the
Ghost of Corporate Future
The ghost said, “Take off both your shoes
Whatever chances you get
Especially when they’re wet.”

He also said,
“Imagine you go away
On a business trip one day
And when you come back home,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan.”

“And people make you nervous
You’d think the world is ending,
And everybody’s features have somehow started blending
And everything is plastic,
And everyone’s sarcastic,
And all your food is frozen,
It needs to be defrosted.”

“You’d think the world was ending,
You’d think the world was ending,
You’d think the world was ending right now.
You’d think the world was ending,
You’d think the world was ending,
You’d think the world was ending right now.”

“Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
And never ever watch the ten o’clock news,
Maybe you should kiss someone nice,
Or lick a rock,
Or both.”

“Maybe you should cut your own hair
‘Cause that can be so funny
It doesn’t cost any money
And it always grows back
Hair grows even after you’re dead”

“And people are just people,
They shouldn’t make you nervous.
The world is everlasting,
It’s coming and it’s going.
If you don’t toss your plastic,
The streets won’t be so plastic.
And if you kiss somebody,
Then both of you’ll get practice.”

“The world is everlasting
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
And take off both your shoes.
‘Cause people are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you.
People are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you.”

The world is everlasting
It’s coming and it’s going
The world is everlasting
It’s coming and it’s going
It’s coming and it’s going

If you give me two seconds, I can change your entire worldview about _____ (fill in the blank)

OMG. There are too many organizations that do amazing things on my campus. I pretty much just went to about 3 meetings, and I went for about 15 minutes – 45 minutes each. Going home, sitting at my desk and accomplishing the very mundane task of checking my email was like a cup of hot tea with honey after a long and stressful day because it was a very welcome change. If anything, today made me sad because it just reinforced the fact that I definitely should have sat down with those people who had gone before and made sure I wouldn’t make the same mistakes they did or even think of new and creative ways to make more of my own…such is life, huh?

I am currently listening to the instrumental amazingness that is George Winston. So good…!

Simple Linear Regression and Correlation

So I find myself this semester sitting in an applied statistics, which seems like cruel irony because my mom teaches statistics. I’ve audited her class but never taken it to completion. She smiles a secret smile when I tell her that I have to take statistics.  I hear her “I told you so” every time I think about that smile. Moms really do know best. It just seemed hard to motivate sitting the entire summer in my Mom’s class when I could take other classes like logic, science, bio-science and engineering rather than stats. It all comes full circle at best, I guess. At least, I have homework help if I need it, right? Don’t get me wrong…I’m not complaining, I guess.

Onto other news. My room is half the size it was last year!! I’ve had to give away a lot of the furniture I’ve accumulated and am trying to sell my table and a humidifier. Um, if you need a table or a humidifier, let me know. I also have for sale a small white and perfect cube fridge that I was saving to put wine in… Speaking of sales and furniture and people’s crap, I recently discovered the “free” section of craigslist this summer. Someone was giving away tons of art! So, if you really know me, you know that I absolutely love art … people like Aivazovsky, Turner, Hundertwasser, Gerome, Waterhouse, and Dali. I called to see if I could figure out which artists and paintings they had but someone had carted it all away. *Sniff*

I should probably get back to SLR models and correlations…